Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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