If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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