I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
