Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
