Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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