She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
