someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
