I wish I could punch you in the face.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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