Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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