Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
