I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
