I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
