the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
