please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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