We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
