Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
