She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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