Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
