Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
