Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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