theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
you inspire me to be a worse person
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I still have a little drunk in my system
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
