There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
