apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
ttyl tear gas
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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