You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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