Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
