just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
