what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
