I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
