Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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