Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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