Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
