Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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