I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
