you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize