normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
