tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex