I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
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bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
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And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.