do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
