So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine