Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today