This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
