You're so nebulous sometimes
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
