So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
