She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
