Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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