i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
My vagina is officially offended.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
