he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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