did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
