you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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