They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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