Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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