Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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