At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
