dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
