well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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