3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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