If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
