Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
