I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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