Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
