Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
