i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
