My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I lost the right to judge tonight
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
