Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
it glows. i had to have it.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
