Your face is a jimmy john
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
