ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
